Improve Your Well-Being By Reducing Avoidance
Once we change our responses to threatening internal experiences, we feel greater joy and well-being.
Humans are always looking for ways to improve their well-being. For years, mental health professionals and researchers tried to understand what makes people happy. There are things we do that increase depression, anxiety, and negative emotions. Once we change our responses to threatening internal experiences, we feel greater joy and well-being.
In my practice, I’ve treated hundreds of patients over the years. I’ve observed that avoidance is a common behavior that is associated with low self-esteem, negative emotions, and a general decrease of overall well-being. Procrastination is a common form of avoidance. People procrastinate on making decisions, attending to tasks, reaching out to others, and taking charge of their lives, which leaves them feeling stuck. Many times, we don’t even realize we are avoiding or procrastinating.
Through avoidance, a person will change their behavior in order to run away from or block negative emotions, somatic discomfort, unpleasant memories and thoughts (avoiding internal experiences). As a way to avoid these dreaded internal experiences, they might stay away from certain situations that make them feel uncomfortable.
Substance use, binge eating, addictions, and obsessions are all forms of avoidance. Avoiding places, activities, and spaces that cause discomfort impacts our well-being. Procrastinating, isolating, fearing intimacy, feeling stuck, and worse, feeling anxious or depressed, are often a result of avoidance.
Here are examples of how avoidance and procrastination affected a few on my patients. Names, details, and professions have been changed:
Before the pandemic, Carl, a 30-year-old marketing analyst, was often late to work and social gatherings even though he tried to leave the house earlier to arrive on time. He procrastinated leaving the house by watching TV or listening to podcasts to help push away negative thoughts about making “social mistakes” and he feared rejection and humiliation. Carl suffered from social anxiety and depression, but was not fully aware. For years, he thought his difficulties stem from organizational and time management issues.
Carl was frustrated with himself for not arriving on time and grew more and more depressed each time he was late. At work, he tried to avoid presentations. He appreciated that his boss was supportive by not assigning him those types of tasks. Nevertheless, Carl was disappointed in himself, and his career stalled. As for his social life, Carl’s friends accepted him as “flaky” knowing that he may not show up. Carl wasn’t fully aware of his avoidance, yet adapted well by surrounding himself with people like his friends and his boss that accepted and accommodated his difficulties. Carl also tricked himself into thinking he wasn’t interested in job promotions, social gatherings, or romantic relationships. He hadn’t dated much and was ambivalent about meaningfully connecting.
Carl sought therapy because of his lateness and feeling professionally stuck. He wanted to become more organized and focused. He often felt “down”. He isolated more often and wasn’t sure why it was so challenging for him to attend to his work and his friendships. Through therapy Carl learned that much of his avoidance and procrastination stems from trying to “block” negative thoughts and feelings that would arise before these events. His mind would tell him that he is not smart enough, that he can’t achieve, that he is awkward socially, and he feared humiliation.
Zoe is a 24-year-old graduate student in education who had a habit of delaying completing writing assignments. She turned in her assignment minutes before they were due, but more often than not, they were turned in late. She procrastinated because her perfectionism got in the way of her writing assignments. She was highly obsessive, spending an incredible amount of time rewriting each sentence thinking nothing she wrote was good enough. She thought about her assignments days before they were due, dreading the writing process. She distracted herself with other activities like chores, going to the gym, and job searches — anything to delay completing writing assignments. It was a short-term fix, but the problem never went away. She associated her self-worth with her achievements, however, since she obsessed over her perceived imperfections, she berated herself. She criticized herself for being lazy, unlovable, and unsuccessful.
She doubted she’d be able to finish her thesis or even graduate. She stopped dating because she feared she couldn’t balance the demands of school and a relationship. She was having a hard time sleeping and wasn’t spending as much time with her friends as she wanted. Her well-meaning mother, who was often anxious about Zoe’s schoolwork and social life checked up on her daily and tried to help Zoe organize her time better which only made Zoe feel more like a failure. Zoe sought therapy because she felt extremely stressed, worried about school, and exhausted.
Shira is a 31-year-old middle school teacher who feared being alone, dreaded life changes, and avoided flying and public transportation whenever possible. Shira has a panic disorder which is a type of anxiety disorder that causes sudden feelings of terror and somatic symptoms even though no real danger exists. She worried about being trapped while having an attack which made her feel embarrassed and shameful. She thought she was going crazy and felt broken. Instead of taking the subway, she spent more money than she cared to, on taking an Uber. She wanted to see her friends, but feared crowded places. She avoided professional events and parties, and was struggling being alone both in her apartment and outside.
Her long-time boyfriend tried to accompany her as often as he could, and felt good that he is needed. Zoe felt both comfortable and guilty at the same time. She resented her dependency on him, but she was afraid to make any changes. She didn’t want to break up with him because he comforted her, but she felt confused about the relationship. Her boyfriend feared that if she became more independent, he will not have a role in her life, therefore happy to accommodate her anxiety.
Shira feared taking a higher paying job at another school because she’d have to commute, and was grateful that her current job was within walking distance of her apartment. She procrastinated on making decisions about new job prospects.
Shira sought therapy because her panic disorder was affecting her mood and her relationships with others. She realized that her panic disorder was keeping her from living the life she wanted.
We tend to avoid what makes us feel bad. No one likes to feel physical discomfort, sadness, pain, shame or guilt. Although avoidance can help in the short term as we experience immediate relief, the underlying problems don’t go away. It exacerbates depression and anxiety and can affect the ability to sustain healthy relationships. The more we avoid, the more stuck we feel, the more difficult it becomes to have a full meaningful life.
There are times when we feel trapped by situations that are out of our control (the pandemic, war, serious illness). Other times, we may feel trapped by our own thoughts and emotions. Most of the time, there is no need to avoid or procrastinate. Oftentimes, well-meaning people in our lives enable avoidance. They try to show us support and understanding by accommodating avoidant behaviors. Unfortunately, that only prolongs the avoided experiences.
So, What’s the Solution?
When exhibiting avoidance or harmful procrastination we first need to understand what we are running away from. Starting to recognize thoughts and feelings contributing to avoidance and procrastination on a daily basis is key. Taking small steps toward desired change, while tolerating discomfort is necessary. Day-by-day, we will strengthen your relationships, quiet our negative thought process and emotions, and dispel self-judgment that convince us we can’t move forward. Changing our relationship with our thought process can be helpful. Not every thought is a fact, and learning to let go of unhelpful thoughts is a step in the right direction.
Once Carl, Zoe, and Shira learned to tolerate and let go of those thoughts that made them feel uncomfortable and brought pain, they were able to change their behavior and attend to their lives more effectively. They became aware of their harmful behavioral patterns and found a way to move past their fears, self-judgements, and anxiety, improving their well-being and moving toward living more meaningful lives.
Carl has taken on several projects at work and interacts directly with his clients. He no longer dreads presentations and is working toward a promotion. He’s generally on time, and has started dating again. To his surprise, he hopes for closeness and intimacy and enjoys meaningful social interactions. He continues to challenge his fears of attachment and rejection.
Zoe is learning to accept A- and B+ school work and is developing a healthier self-worth. She has also established healthy boundaries with her mother. Zoe is now more flexible and accepting of herself and is accepting that she doesn’t have to be perfect. She is making strides towards graduation and is making time for friendships.
Shira started to travel locally, including on her own. She accepted a teaching job that requires her to commute. She is managing well and enjoying her new independence. She and her boyfriend are working through the changing dynamic in their relationship.
If you feel your avoidance and procrastination is unhealthy and gets in your way of living a fuller life, try seeking help. Generally, Third Wave CBT, such as ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, developed by Steven Hayes in 1982) are helpful in moving forward. In addition, you may benefit from psychodynamic psychotherapy which is helpful in understanding attachment patterns, the sources of pain, and in gaining insight into ourselves and our situation.
